Thanking God in the goodbyes

We just got back from dropping Shannon off for another trip. And by "just got back" I mean "just got finished cleaning the kitchen and the bathrooms and picking up the kids' rooms and starting a load of laundry, unloading the dishwasher, and putting away a basket of laundry after dropping Shannon off" because that's what you do when you get back at 5:30 in the morning and you can't go back to bed or worse- the kids won't go back to bed. Of course not- it's light outside. Or less dark. An hour and a half later and it's MUCH lighter, so all hopes of going back to bed are lost. And, I've already made the bed.

So as I was picking up I was thinking about this life we live. The fact that the kids just happily waved goodbye to daddy as we drove away. We didn't get out of the car and hang out and wait for the bus because our kids are nuts on a good day- get them out at the battalion parking lot at 5am and we've got a scene. So we shared some goodbyes and scooted out of there, stopping at the Dunkin Donuts for the second time in as many days tear free like it was just another day. Another day much earlier than most, but just another day. And I thanked God that my kids are resilient military children. This is the life they know and it includes saying goodbye to daddy from time to time. My daughter asks to move often- she likes to imagine what her next house will be like, what the weather will be like where we live next and what her new friends will be named. It's like she was made to be a military kid.
When I got home I picked up his shoes, his paper, dirty paper towels he tends to just leave on the counter when he's in a hurry. I washed his coffee cup for the last time for a while and put it up in the cabinet where it will sit until he returns and I just thanked God for him. I know that over the next couple months these are things I'll miss because these are the footprints he leaves behind in our house. This is a part of my routine. Every morning I wake up and tend to the children, then I tend to his footprints. I can tell if he was running late by how much he leaves behind or what he fails to leave behind. This is a part of our communication and our connection, whether he realizes it or not. These are my duties as his helpmate and the wadded up paper towels on the counter and crumbs by the toaster and facial hair clippings in the bathroom sink that irritated me to no end early in our marriage are now things that I tend to with ease and joy even. Because now I know how I miss these things, these footprints of his, when he's gone. I know that when they are NOT here, it's because HE isn't here. I thank God for this change in perspective over the years.
He returned from an Afghanistan deployment in mid January. He's been home for a little over 6 months and now he's gone again, to Central America this time. But this trip is different. This trip is shorter. This trip is for a mission that is closer to his heart. This mission is aimed at helping people in a way that is more tangible and real to him. I thank God for trips like these. These trips are just long enough to remind me to cherish the time we have together as a family, but not so long that they are overly burdensome. The light at the end of the tunnel is already visible on a 2 or 3 month trip. It feels weird even thinking of it as a deployment, when it's only a few months. However, a phone call with my grandmother reminded me that this is not normal. To the military community, all our friends here, a trip like this is nothing. A trip like this, like I said, feels strange to even call a deployment. But when I told my grandmother how long he would be gone, her response was "Oh. That's a long time. I'm sorry." And it reminded me that for MOST people, a few months apart is not a short trip. For MOST people, a few months is a long time to be separated. I thank God it doesn't feel so long for us.
From time to time I worry that about this perspective. I remember the sobbing mess I was the first and second time I dropped him off for a deployment and I can't even remember how I made it to my car. I'm not that same young woman anymore (I've got the gray hairs to prove it!!) and sometimes I worry that is a reflection of our relationship. I know I love him even more now than I did then. So have I grown cold?? How does that work?? Then I also remember what I didn't have back then, so many years ago. I didn't have the confidence that many separations have instilled in my ability to take care of things in his absence. I didn't have the experience of welcoming him home safe and sound several times. I didn't have the kids and the dogs to occupy my thoughts and time and all my mental space (they're seriously ALL up in my space ALL the time). But most importantly, I didn't have the peace that surpasses all understanding and guards my heart and mind (Phil 4:7).  I didn't have the faith and the hope that can only be had when you know that the Lord has a plan for for you and your life (Jeremiah 29:11) and when you know that the Lord cares you and asks for your burdens (1 Peter 5:7). I thank God for this peace. I thank God for being my constant companion. I thank God for this family, this husband, THIS life.
Father God, I know that your love for me and my family is too exceedingly great for me to understand. I thank you for all the blessings in our life, for each other, but mostly for you. I thank you for changing our hearts from what they were we first became a family. I thank you that you're not done changing us. I ask for your protection over my husband and my family in his absence, but more so I pray that your will be done and that our hearts will remain yours regardless of circumstances. Forgive us for any fear or anxiety we have given into. Forgive us for looking anywhere else but to you. We give it all to you and take comfort in your arms, may we remain there forever and ever. Amen